Welcome, Cult Members!

David Letterman once said that one must do the same crap on two different channels to be recognized as a success. Given that this is not my first rodeo, and I blew past two websites months ago, and mainly because Alexander wept like a sissy for there were no more worlds to conquer, I finally threw caution to the wind and decided to take our show on the road [1].

To be fair, I was led on by the treachery of others, notably my co-pilot (Clemency) who is busy flying a kite in the cockpit.

So this being my third vain attempt, and hopefully not an attempt in vain, I figure I will have checked all the pre-filled boxes for guaranteed success. Soon Rear Admiral Ahab will have his whale I will have Pauly Shore. While the quest continues, however, I intend to re-form the cult.

“Why, SK, why?” all y’all ask plaintively, “you have so little as it is.”

I have it on good authority that I have good instincts. Sort of like a third sense, if you know what I mean. I also know that by gathering some of the sharpest minds, the dullest knives, some styptic pencils, a captive audience of soon-to-be cult members, and of course a little help from the DMV, we can create a logjam of traffic that Disqus has never seen before. There will be amusing anecdotes, grim political news, random thoughts, science, imitation glue, movies, goddamn.GIF wars, reviews, rumors, gossip, mindless music; you name it, we’ll have it.

We now present the one and only graph you'll ever need:

Never let it be said that we do not care for our cult members.

But don’t take our word for it, instead, channel your little-used attention to detail, along with a hankering for quizzes. Pop quizzes, easy-listening quizzes, rock quizzes, and because we administer these with an iron hand, we’ll also make sure that you’re paying attention. So if you have read this far, then when you make a comment swearing eternal allegiance to ME the cult, include (inconspicuously of course) the phrase me wanna be a cult-member somewhere in it.

So what can you expect from this website? Free cash. Emphysema, if we convince you to chain-smoke three packs a day; non-binding alcoholism, or with luck, a morbid curiosity for the mating habits of grouchy dung beetles. So much so that when you wake up in a cold sweat at night, the first thing you’ll do is hunt for a good signal from your neighbor’s WiFi.

Obviously, the second thing you’ll do is TP his house for a lousy 38,400 BAUD modem connection make a beeline straight over to this website. Finding no new discussions—let’s face it, even I am not that prolific—you’ll mutter a Vulcan curse, wake up your spouse, and have a marital (martial?) fight with, again, your neighbor. As you get more adept, you’ll learn to mix in a few crank calls to confused insomniacs across the globe and snobbish dilettantes in Jersey.

You’ll also rediscover the lost art of catching a balloon.

Additionally, if you’re nice to my co-pilot, some world-class ninja-esque kite-flying skillz be coming your way. Beats popping a pill, I tellya. Point of order: if you are going to be a loyal cult member who swears allegiance to the cult, as required by the click-through contract you subliminally signed on your way in here, you are bound by law a Cult spell to spell skills as skillz.

Please take the time to read through the website’s guidelines, and after that, pull up a one-legged stool. We hope you enjoy your stay here and are inspired to contribute. Remember, we want your take on things.

If you wish to contribute, please drop us a line at admin@cultofsundries.com. Clemency will work with you to add you as an author.

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[1] Disqus kicked us out: https://blog.disqus.com/saying-goodbye-to-disqus-websites